WTF Russia

It is the cheapest cologne, popular since Soviet times. Great price + Great distribution = People’s choice.

Troinoy Cologne

FYI there are two ways to drink troinoy cologne.

The safe one, and the utterly ridiculous one*.

The safe one: pour the substance into a special glass (prepare to throw it away, the smell will linger for ever), drink it in one gulp, then drink a full glass of ice-cold water straight way.

The water is supposed to wash the trace of cologne down (as far as possible) and to lower the temperature.

Yeah, 80-90% of the spirit will meet the water in your stomach and turn it into a heat-causing substance.

Warning:

Anyway, unless you’ve got strong Siberian roots,
I strongly recommend you to stay away from these techniques.

Tip:	And, if by any chance you are not satisfied by a mental experiment, just add a few drops of your favorite perfume to a martini and enjoy the transcendental taste**.

* all materials provided for educational purpose only

** please, don’t miss the irony

The cooler your

water, the better.

Remember – if you mix cologne with water before drinking, you’ll get a warm milky substance with a killer smell and few drops of aroma oil floating at the surface.

Only a few can manage such a drink. Let’s honor them with our silent respect.

Mannaya Kasha (Cream of Wheat)

Another important item used to raise a true Russian. Every child in USSR–Russia was doomed to eat mannaya kasha. Technically it’s a cream of wheat, but the common state of its matter involved tons of blobs and a thick milk skin.

Somehow, this meal is supposed to obtain some extraordinary nutritional “qualities” — and these “qualities” are considered extremely valuable for kids. Without any doubt, it was the most hated meal ever. Add here a tradition “until-you-eat-it-all-you-won’t-get-up-from-the-table”. Imagine the thing turning cold and you’ll have the picture.

Believe me, the constant eating of a lumpy, cloggy thing must have a huge impact on every child.

Still wondering why Russians don’t smile a lot?

Avos’ka

—

The most optimistic and BIPolar bag ever.

Being a net-bag it takes absolutely no extra space when empty and can contain a lot of goods if you are lucky to get one.

So it’s a perfect choice for both a pessimist and an optimist.

The name itself is also remarkable. Russian word AVOS’ends with soft [s’] literally means “may be” but substantially it is more about the blind hoping on the good luck.

Acting on avos’ means doing something on the off chance.

(Unfortunately Russians kind of abuse acting on AVOS’)

In the time of global deficit (and avos’ka came from exactly that time), people were taking avos’ka’s not because they were planning to buy groceries, but because they might have a chance to buy something.

At the moment it’s a nice and stylish option for an ecologic-friendly shopping bag.

Don’t forget to grab one when you’re in Russia.

Leo Tolstoy’s beard

This beard brought millions of children to suffer.

It was back-breaking	literature for obligatory school reading.
[ Literally ]

Do you know how much a medium
“War and Peace” edition can weight?

(Note that in Russian the text will be up to 20% longer and it will be heavily mixed with French.)

And it wasn’t his only book in an average must-read list. Leo Tolstoy provided a stack of formidable literary works.

Yet a lot of grownups truly admire Tolstoy’s genius. For a child, unspoiled by Dostoevsky this literature is way too tedious.

Stalin’s mustache

It is really difficult to find words for this item. According to different sources a poet, a bright seminary student, a son of a cobbler and maintainer of this mustache is responsible for up to 20 mln people killed. Purges and deportations, Collectivization, Industrialization, Famine and many other strong words are directly linked with this mustache.

On the other hand this cult mustache had totally ruined the other bloody mustache victorious march.

Khruschev’s Shoe

It is the most famous missing shoe in the world. (after Cinderella’s one)

Everybody knows that Nikita Khruschev pounded his shoe on his delegate-desk during the 902nd Plenary Meeting of the UN General Assembly held in New York.

But the fact is that there is no sign of this shoe on any video- or any photographic materials.

Whom shall we blame?

Creative newsmakers?* or the powerful hand of the KGB?

What about you?

Do you believe in shoe-banging?

* They say foreign journalists and interpreters kind of disliked Mr Khruschev, because they suffered a lot trying to translate his unique speech patterns (such as his famous promise to show a Kuzka’s mother to Nixon and few others).

Gagarin’s smile

This is the most famous Russian Smile in the World. The Soviet Mona Lisa. This is the smile of a first man who saw the Earth from the Space — Yuriy Gagarin.

I’ve mentioned Russians never smile without a reason. This guy truly had one.

Gorbachev’s birthmark

This birthmark became a death-mark for the Soviet Union as a state. The head donning this birthmark invented Perestroyka,
proclaimed Glasnost, ended the Сold War, blew up external debt,
destroyed the Berlin Wall, won the Nobel Peace Prize, and became
a well paid Louis Vuitton model.

Lujkov’s cap (Kepka*)

This iconic headware served well covering “some naked parts”

of a Moscow mayor (1992-2010).

The Achievements of this cult cap are truly remarkable.

A second-hand hat was sold for $15.000 in 2003. In 2007, a signed copy was sold for 250.000 RUR (about $10.000), and finally it has been cast in silver and sold for $1.000.000

[

Adorable

career for any headwear

]

In 1997 the cap-owner Yuri Lujkov announced:

«Kepka — it is a joy of communication, Kepka it
is that unity, which makes us all alike, Kepka
equals protection, Kepka equals joy!**»

* Kepka means cap in Russian. Also it is a people’s name of Yury Lujkov

** Nope, this phrase makes no more sence in Russian

Rake

It’s much more than a popular agriculture tool.

Stepping on the rake is kind of our basic educational model.

If it was an Olympic event, Russian athletes would definitely be unbeatable champions.

Also it
looks like
stepping
on the same
rake is our
beloved
historical
tradition.

Russian Soul™

The Great Russian Soul or Mystic Russian Soul. First, never tell a Russian that you’ve never heard about the mysterious Russian Soul. Obviously it’s not true. Secondly, never tell a Russian that you can understand а Mysterious Russian Soul. Nobody can, by definition. It is a non-understandable mythic substance.

The presence or the lack of this substance is the main way to define national identity.

Though the whole essence is indescribable, there are a few basic things to know. An invincible wish to cheat The System (any system), pinching Dostoevsky’s grief, Oblomov’s sluggishness, greatheartedness, acridness and emotional latitude spilling over any borders.

from French “Glace Plombières”

Plombiere

It is an important object of Russian Culture and one of the most popular Soviet kid’s dainties.

Soviet plombiere is a rather fattening (12-20% of milk fat),
top quality* ice-cream. Selling all over, it’s served
in a waffle cup made in a form of a traditional table glass.

(Yep, I’m speaking about that famous vodka-drinking glass.)

This way every Russian used to have a firm grip on a glass since early childhood.

* produced according to
 GOST R 52175-2003

Isn’t it a remarkable cultural fact?

Chai (= Tea)

Here we have a quick recipe how to discover a Russian spy. He may smile all the time, he may not hide balalaika under his bed and he may even refuse to drink vodka, but

he’ll always agree to have a second cup of tea.

Tea-drinking capabilities are really well developed in all Russians. We are ready to have a tea-break at any moment (especially at work).

And c’mon when we say tea, we don’t

mean

just

tea.

All sweets in the house are included and a long chat is a must.

Crimson Blazer

If you have one, try not to think about it, but

In early 1990s it was a significant part of New Russians* self-identity. The Crimson blazer was a vivid attribute of social success and an important status thing. A finger-thick golden neck-chain was a must to complete the outfit.

As soon as tons of Chinese blazers flooded the willing market, the value of this outfit depreciated dramatically.

Thanks Heaven there are flash-lights though.

* extremely rich semi-criminal businessmen of the
post-Soviet Russia

Tip#

Important: Remember that lack of smile on a typical Russian face doesn’t mean that the person is unhappy, angry or rude. And it doesn’t mean the opposite. Actually it doesn’t mean anything, it’s just a normal state of one’s face. Don’t be mistaken.

Tip# 2 Сamouflage follows directly from Tip#1. If you want to blend into the crowd, just stop grinning all Try and look perplexed — perhap and think about your multiplication tables. Save your smile until you have a hefty reason to use it. And I promise — you’re gonna have plenty of them.

Tip#3

Babuska vs Matrioshka

Ok, first of all, you may call Matryoshka “Babushka” (I see no reason, but some people do so). For your own sake, never call Babushka “Matryoshka”. The last thing you want to do in your life is to offend a Babushka. (Ok, the absolute LAST thing would be to offend Mr. Putin himself, but it’s kinda more complicated). Every tiny old Russian lady is a true fighter. Remember, they survived Communism and Stalin. You do not want to get in their way. Pay as much respect as you can and try to avoid any conflicts (this works for Mr. Putin as well).

{

This section
may be continued. And it may be not.

}

Tip#4 Constant vigilance

Aware. Beware. Watch out.

(especially when dealing with taxi-drivers and government officials)

Peter The Great Statue

Ahoy! Real-Trans-Headed Statue

false

94 meters of pure art by Zurab Tsereteli, it is the tallest statue in Russia (and in Moscow) and an honorable member of the top ten ugliest buildings in the world*.

*according to Virtual Tourist research and Foreign Policy magazine

Zurab Tsereteli was a bit carried away with self-quotation and this Peter the Great Statue looks quite similar to his statue of Columbus. And ever-eager evil tongues spread the rumor that the Peter The Great Statue is an ex-Columbus statue (rejected by both the US and Spain) with a new head.

Although Tsereteli justified himself, some people still believe that a shameless giant head transplantation took place indeed.

Moscow

Skolkovo

St. Pete

Kaliningrad

Putin's Secret Palace

Sochi

Krasnokamensk

Verkhoyansk

Oymyakon

Russia

Russia is wild, vast and irrational. And so is its geography.
Prepare to use your imagination.

Moscow

Ok, here we go. There is one main thing to remember, Moscow is not Russia. It is more like a contiguous state inside of Russia. (Yep, here u can start using your imagination.) The country of “Moscowship” is much more civilized, globalized and capitalized. For the average citizen of “Moscowship”, geography is clear and plain. There is only Moscow and “The Regions”, from which the citizen separates only St. Petersburg and his original home-city. Yeah, the share of Moscow-born people is quite a small one. For Russian Russians geography is also quite simple. There is Russia and that f*cking Moscow.

Skolkovo

It’s a nano-city and innovation centre devised by Dmitry Medvedev. Just imagine a Russian-style mix between a cyber-city and Silicon Valley just 30 minutes drive from the Moscow city limits.

And while all scientists and investors in the world are struggling for this opportunity, we just have to build the city, to provide infrastructure, and, you know, to make few innovations. That’s it. A totally innovative idea of innovation-making.

Putin’s Secret Palace

And here we have a Secret Palace of Mr. Putin with reported value of $1 000 000 000*.

* excluding the price of a brand new landing-strip (about $1 bln extra)

Sochi

It is an imaginary host city for imaginary Olympic Games in 2014. Don’t forget, according to the Mayan Calendar there is no chance of any games after 2012. And that explains quite well why the International Olympic Committee admitted a subtropical city to host the winter Olympic games.

But without a doubt, the idea itself is truly Russian.

And if you insist that size matters, you may be pleased to know that Sochi is the longest city in Russia.

OMG. It looks like FIFA is following the same pervert logic. Russia is going to host the 2018 FIFA Championship.

Krasnokamensk

Here an internationally famous Russian prisoner Mikhail Khodorkovsky serves his sentence. Among others, one remarkable thing is that according to Russian laws he ought to be kept in a place of confinement closest to his registered place of residence.

There is 6732 km (4183 mi) between Moscow and Krasnokamensk. Can you actually imagine that there is no other prison nearby?

Saint Petersburg

St.Pete acknowledged to be the most beautiful, imperial and depressive city in the country. Ex-capital and the cradle of our culture, St.Petrsburg is full of romance and mysteries. Why do you think Russian Tzars hanged out in a city with such a horrible weather for such a long time (1712-1918)?

One probable reason is the sacred lake of power (aka Komsomolskoye lake) located in the St.Pete’s area. Check yourself how far can you go if only you have your dacha* located well — dacha-consumer Cooperative "Ozero”. Impressive? I bet it is something magical in the water.

* “dacha” is a summer or vacation home in Russia.

NB Every true Russian got something in the blood that makes him to love St. Petersburg and to loath Moscow. I have no idea why.

Kaliningrad

Kaliningrad (aka Königsberg) is not only the weirdest located city in Russia and a place where Immanuel Kant rests in peace, it’s also an important monument of modern history. The whole city is an open-space museum of architectural horror. The tagline is “Look how Soviet people can transform an average european city trying hard to improve it” (damn constructivism and low-cost khruschev-style housing).

Really, you should see it yourself. Impressive.

Oymyakon & Verkhoyansk

Imagine that you live in a powerful freezer, but sometimes this freezer turns into oven. Ta-da! Now you have a clue what the weather in Verkhoyansk and Oymyakon is like.

The temperature there ranges from -60°C in Winter to +35°C in Summer. And the official temperature records are -66,8°C (-90°F) and +37.3°C (99°F): that gives us a 105°C (189°F) temperature range.

Just conjure up in your mind how difficult it is to smile in such weather conditions (it’s not recommended for your health either).

Pindostan

One more item from Geography section

Pindostan is a mythic country inhabited by Pindoses, an embodiment of universal evil forces facing (and acting against) Mother-Russia. Common Pindos is a rude, extremely stupid foreigner with a strong inclination to overweight and invasive democracy-development (in oil-producing countries particularly). In other words, the complete antithesis of a common Russian (intellectual, Great Russan Sole holder, a perceptive connoisseur of Shostakovich and Tarkovsky).

Also Pindoses are fully responsible for the world economic crisis and Global warming.

Beware!

MKAD

Moscow Automobile Ring Road encloses the city and defines the borders of Moscowship.

Running 108.9 kilometers along the city borders, MKAD is well-known for constant traffic jams (with a population over 10 mln, it’s no surprise).

A truly remarkable and brow-raising fact about this road is that

the construction of 1 km of MKAD is almost twice as expensive as the construction of 1km of The Large Hadron Collider.

And yet it’s not a freeway
(in spite of this ridiculous price).

It seems our bold head decided it can perfectly manage everything by itself. Lucky us!

Medveput or Pedvedev

To support the duality of the Russian coat of arms, to double our presidential capacity, to have four eyes keeping a close look on Russia instead of two and to have everything under double control we’ve switched to a new government system

— a Bi-headed State (duumvirate 2.0)

While one head is focused on innovations and is rising national iPhone and iPad consumption, the other can focus on the oil and gas industry and push sales of yellow automobiles.

Double happiness for everybody and everyone! Hurrah!

Civilians

A common Great Russian Soul holder. The largest group containing everybody from a skinny platinum blond that wears high heels and fake diamonds in any weather to an old, fat dwarf, that sleeps in a box, and is ready drink vodka at all times.

Military & Police

First there are way too much of them. But this is not the biggest problem. Remember the movie “V”? The old one about lizard-aliens? We have just the same situation. Some of them are real people that are always ready to assist you, to help and to protect, and some are just freaking dangerous animals that just look the same way. And that is a problem.

The Flash-lighters

Masters of the roads (I bet you’ll be impressed if you see one), celestials, kings of the money hill. Numerically insignificant but the most powerful part of the population. The influentials. The special ones. To distinguish themselves from plebes they heavily use blue flash-lights and observe no rules.

Polonium

No. No. No. We don’t have. Any. More.
If you’re looking for Polonium, you can find it in Mendeleev’s Periodic Table (6 row, #84).

And pleeease, don’t mix Polonium–210
with tea. It’s illegal and traceable.

A short note for that guy who called me crazy and promised to kick my ass for using this word at wowrussia.com. We do still use this word to define all Russian-speaking parts of the Internet. Moreover, this word has been officially included in the orthographic dictionary. Just live with it, sorry.

Runet

Runet is a natural habitat of so called net-hamsters. These are common users that generate and digest tons of runet content (yep, some creeping also occurs). Add some trolls, Kremlin agents, army of bots, and you’ll have the picture.

Also Runet is a place where the mass media is still semi-free and where people can communicate semi-freely.

Blue Bucket

Once a common attribute of sandbox games, the blue plastic bucket gained an important role in modern Russia. It has become a symbol of social protest against the unlimited (traffic) laws that are constantly violated by “flash-lighters”. To support this social movement, you need to buy a blue plastic bucket and to tape it to the top of your car (from a distance it will look like you have a real flash-light). Or you can borrow a bucket from your child and join a walking protest march.

Putin–Crab

Why Putin is a crab?

It will be the first Google suggestion when you type the word “Why” in Russian.*

[

You can enjoy few pictures of the smiling Putin-crab if you decide to check this out for yourself.

]

The source of this meme brings us to Putin’s speech.
In 2009, Mr. Putin described 8 years of his
presidency in these words:

«Все эти восемь лет я работaл каК РАБ на галерах»

(All these 8 years I’ve worked as a galley slave)

Unfortunately, “как раб” (as a slave)
was transformed to “как краб” (as a crab)
by a news agency (anyway it sounds the same).

You know cheerful Russians
just couldn’t miss this opportunity
to create another ridiculous meme
in runet.

* It’s not the very first suggestion at the moment,
but is has been so for quite a long time.

Isn’t it
a nice place
for surprised
WTF?